The Great Divorce

"I’m afraid the first step is a hard one,” said the Spirit. “But after that you’ll go on like a house of fire. You will become solid enough for Michael to perceive you when you learn to want someone else besides Michael. I don’t say ‘more than Michael,’ not as a beginning. That will come later. It’s only the little germ of desire for God that we need to start the process.”

“Oh, you mean religion and all that sort of thing? This is hardly the moment…and from you, of all people. Well, never mind. I’ll do whatever’s necessary. What do you want me to do? Come on. The sooner I begin it, the sooner they’ll let me see my boy. I’m quite ready.”

“But, Pam, do think! Don’t you see you are not beginning at all as long as you are in that state of mind? You’re treating God only as a means to Michael. But the whole thickening treatment consists in learning to want God for His own sake.”

“You wouldn’t talk like that if you were a Mother.”

“You mean, if I were only a mother. But there is no such thing as being only a mother. You exist as Michael’s mother only because you first exist as God’s creature. That relation is older and closer. No, listen, Pam! He also loves. He also has suffered. He also has waited a long time.”(The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis)

Even though I am not a mother there is still so much to this that reflects my life. I look at God only as a means to an end...usually the end meaning His blessings and favor in my life on my terms, the way I want. So instead of running the race to get the prize, I toss in a prize just to run the race. Good thing His love isn't based on my performance...He wants us exactly as we are.

"may I be defined by more of Your beauty and less by my brokenness"

Most of the time the approval or rejection from people has more sway over my heart than what Jesus thinks about me. My passion to be right is often more compelling than the good news of being righteous in Christ. Controlling my circumstances claims more of my time and energy than seeking His face.

Read this prayer on a blog titled "Heavenward" and it really spoke to my heart:

"Jesus, liberate me from thinking about the next thing, so I can be present in the current moment and conversation. May people, not projects be my greater concern and joy each day. Help me to make better eye contact and heart connection with those you give me to love. Help me to be less timid around strangers more intrigued with new people I meet.

Help me to use less words and more listening when engaging others. Turn my hair-trigger reactions into slower, wiser responses. Please unshackle me from the illusion of control and my commitment to a pain-free heart. Loving well always involves risk and pain.

Jesus, break even more of the chains of my insecurities. Please unfetter me from thinking too much about what I’m not… by showing me more of you and who I am in you. May I be defined more by your beauty and less by my brokenness."

May we love loudly

Below are a few quotes from the book "Jesus for President" by Shaine Claiborne. His views are pretty radical and might offend some people but the man radiates love and seeks to challenge the way we view freedom. Our culture usually describes freedom as "freedom from" but "freedom from" is really no definition of freedom at all. This view of freedom only pushes us farther into external things so we run to what is tangible and what we can hold on to. We run to find our identity and value there...but really it is much to shallow and broken for us.

"Once upon a time there were no kings or presidents. Only God was king. The Bible is the story of a God who is continually rescuing humanity from the messes we make of the world. God is bringing the kingdom of heaven to earth. God is leading humans on an exodus adventure out of the land of emperors and kings and into the Promised Land.”

“Over and over, the people [of Israel] settled for the empty promises of empire over the eternal dreams of God. But God is relentless. God pursued, forgave, wooed them back, as a Lover.”

“So even as we see the horror of death, may we be reminded that in the end, love wins. Mercy triumphs. Life is more powerful than death. And even those who have committed great violence can have the image of God come to life again within them as they hear the whisper of love. May the whisper of love grow louder than the thunder of violence. May we love loudly.”

unbelief

"Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief."

This is a prayer I feel like I pray often, if not daily. I'm learning that so much of the things I struggle with are rooted in basic unbelief.

I don't mean that I won't face any trials if I simply believe, because thats not at all what Jesus promises. What I am saying is that my discontent, worry, anxiousness, jealously, and fear is often rooted in basic unbelief.

Unbelief that delight in God is really better. Unbelief that I have been freed from bondage to sin. Unbelief that God really is going to do what He has promised.

The hard part is not believing IN Christ, it is BELIEVING Christ.

"Christians do not say, 'I do not understand you at all, but I trust you anyway.' Rather we say, 'I do not understand you in this situation, but I understand why I trust you anyway. Therefore I can trust that you understand even though I don't.' If we do not know why we trust God in the beginning, then we will always need to know exactly what God is doing in order to trust Him. Failing to grasp that, we may not be able to continue trusting Him, for anything we do not understand may count decisively against what we are able to trust.

If on the other hand, we do know why we trust God, we will be able to trust Him in situations where we do not understand what He is doing...Faith does not know 'why' in terms of the immediate, but it knows why it trusts God in terms of the ultimate." (Be Still My Soul)

"He will do us good, real good, lasting good, only good, every good. He will make us good, and this is to do us good to the highest degree" insists Charles Spurgeon.

God's priority is to make us good-which is our best good.

The proof of His goodness is at the cross. The guarantee of His goodness in the resurrection.

I believe; God, help me overcome my unbelief. I believe; Jesus help me live like I believe for I know my Redeemer lives.

Far too easily pleased...

songs in the night!

Any fool can sing in the day. When the cup is full, man draws inspiration from it; when wealth rolls in abundance around him, any man can sing to the praise of a God who gives a plenteous harvest. It is easy to sing when we can read the notes by daylight; but the skillful singer is he who can sing when there is not a ray of light by read by- who sings from his heart, and not from a book that he can see, because he has no means of reading, save from that inward book of his own living spirit, whence notes of gratitude pour out in songs of praise. No man can make a song in the night himself. The Christian gets his songs from God: God gives him inspiration, and teaches him how to sing: "God my Maker, who giveth songs in the night."

So, then, poor Christian, thou needest not to go pumping up thy poor heart to make it glad. Go to thy Maker and ask Him to give thee a song in the night. Thou art a poor dry well: thou hast heard it said, that when a pump is dry, you must pour water down it first of all, and then you will get some up; and so, Christian, when thou art dry, go to God, ask Him to pour some joy down thee, and then thou wilt get some joy up from thine own heart. Do not go to this comforter or that, for you will find them Job's comforters, after all; but go thou first and foremost to thy Maker, for he is the great composer of songs and teacher of music; he it is who can teach thee how to sing: "God, my Maker, who giveth me songs in the night!"

It is not natural to sing in trouble- "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me bless his holy name:" for that is a daylight song. But it was a divine song which Habakkuk sang, when in the night he said- "Though the fig-tree shall not blossom…yet will I trust in the Lord."
Songs in the night come only from God; they are not in the power of man because usually in the night of a Christian's experience God is his only song.

(Charles Spurgeon, Song in the Night pg. 171)

walking on water

As summer draws to a close it is a crazy feeling knowing that this might be my last (gulp) "real" summer. I start my senior year of college in exactly 22 days. I know people always say time flies but I feel like college has given that saying a whole new meaning. I feel like this is a time of my life I wish I could just freeze because I have the best group of friends and community in Chapel Hill. I feel so unbelievably blessed with friends who love Jesus and each other so well.
What am I going to be doing after college you ask? I don't know, but He does. I obsess about the future because I get anxious, and anxiety is simply living out the future before it gets here. The most important things in life center around WHO we are, not where we are.

I have to plan but I also have to remember that men plan but ultimately it's the Lord's purposes that prevails. His, not mine. He will place me exactly where He wants me so I can rest and experience peace in the face of life-changing decisions. It might not be exactly what I had in mind, but as long as I am seeking Him I can be confident that He's already determined how to fit my choices into His sovereign will.
God's teaching me to become more comfortable in the unknown, knowing that for the Lord, there is no such thing as unknown. What a mighty God we serve!

"We must renounce our sinful desires to know the future and to be in control. We are not gods. We walk by faith, not by sight. We risk because God does not risk. We walk into the future in God-glorifying confidence, not because the future is known to us but because it is known to God. And that's all we need to know. Worry about the future is not simply a character tic, it is the sin of unbelief, an indication that our hearts are not resting in the promises of God...So the end of the matter is this: Live for God. Obey the Scriptures. Think of others before yourself. Love Jesus. And as you do these things, do whatever else you like, with whomever you like, wherever you like, and you'll be walking in the will of God." Kevin DeYoung

we are beggers, this is true

Anxiety robs me of my peace. It comes from forgetting that I am not in control. The moments when I have been most deeply in touch with God are those moments when I have been able to embrace my utter poverty. When I accept my poverty, my total dependence on God, I become vulnerable and God can more easily reach me because I’m not busy resisting being reached. When I am not resisting my poverty, I can more easily experience God in other people also, for I am more willing to allow them to minister to me. I am able to sit at their feet.
Until we learn to sit at one another’s feet, we will starve at our lavish banquet tables. (Macrina Wiederkehr)

I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone, and give you a heart of flesh...this land that was laid to waste has become like the garden of Eden...I the Lord have rebuilt what was destroyed and have replanted what was desolate. I the Lord have spoken, and I will do it. Ezekiel 36:25-26

Shake off your dust, rise up, sit enthroned, O Jerusalem. Free yourself from the chains on your neck, O captive daughter of Zion. Isaiah 52:2

"Sooner or later you figure out life is constructed specifically and brilliantly to squeeze a man into association with the Owner of heaven. It is a struggle, with labor pains and thorny landscape, bloody hands and a sweaty brow, head in hands, moments of severe loneliness and questioning, moments of ache and desire. All this leads to God.[...] Life is a dance toward God, I begin to think. And the dance is not so graceful as we might want. While we glide and swing our practiced sway, God crowds our feet, bumps our toes, and scuffs our shoes. So we learn to dance with the One who made us. And it is a difficult dance to learn because its steps are foreign." (Donald Miller- Through Painted Deserts)

God is in the business of relentlessly pursuing rebels like me and He comes after me not to angrily strip away my freedom but to affectionately strip away my slavery so I might become truly free.

Overcoming barriers

In order to be people who are "full of grace," we must take great care to eliminate all barriers that stand between the real Jesus and people's false impressions of Him.

Ghandi was once asked why he had rejected Christ. His answer was, "It is not Christ I reject, it is your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

I ran across an article that a mom wrote about her daughter who works at a local diner. She talked about how Sunday's were notoriously her daughter's lowest tip day by far. The mom wasn't necessarily complaining about her daughter not getting much in tips but was merely pointing out the fact that Christians aren't generous.
I'm speaking equally to myself as I write this, convicted by the fact that I often make the excuse of being a college student as the reason why I am not a generous tipper. This is just one small example but it is these daily decisions and actions that reveal our hearts and reflect who or what it is that we really worship. How often I find myself hoarding "my money" when really money is just a tool and resource God has graciously given me to use for His glory. It isn't really mine but you wouldn't know that looking at the way I chose to spend (or not spend) it. Every decision, every tip, every conversation should be used to make much of Him.

"Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Colossians 4:4-5

"Cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me" - Zac Smith Story

Zac Smith is now with Jesus. He didn't waste his life and he didn't waste his cancer.
This final line gave me chills, “If God chooses to heal me, then God is God and God is good. If God chooses not to heal me and allows me to die, God is still God and God is still good. To God be the glory.”
What a powerful and incredible testimony to God's faithfulness in the midst of heart-breaking circumstances.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and uphold you with My righteous hand." Isaiah 41:10

Read this on Holly McRae's blog, the mother of sweet little Kate whose fighting the vicious battle of brain cancer. What an example this woman is of God's goodness and trust in the midst of life's heartbreak and pain. Only a woman whose faith is rooted deep in the gospel and not in circumstance could have a response like this. This kind of faith causes others to wonder where her hope lies- who is it that she trust? There is no God like our God. Who provides comfort, hope, endurance, and perseverance for this life because our hope lies in the One who has conquered death and will one day make all things new again.

One of the things that I would have marked near the top of a list that I would pray we would never encounter, we were now forced to face. But thankfully not alone. I don't know if scripture has ever held greater comfort, if it's truth has ever been more desired by our family than now. We can no longer face tomorrow in simply our own strength. When your child faces cancer of this magnitude it is simply more than you can bear, without Jesus. I know many have told us that God will never give you more than you can handle. I smile and know this is more than I can handle. However, I wonder if it could mean that He will give us what we need to handle that which alone we couldn't.

The day is bittersweet, as most days are now. My heart is continuously grieving what was and learning how to not fear what tomorrow holds. To not imagine what life without our precious Kate would be like. To not be paralyzed by fear. It is difficult beyond words. Never has it been more of a challenge to put truth into practice. But we know that is where our hope lies. Living out the truth we know and believe.
Despite the anguish of some days, each day is also filled with joy. Times of laughter, late night talks, snuggling on the couch, hope and milestones reached. The milestones have changed, but they are milestones none the less. And they are worth celebrating. Kate has made amazing strides over the past 10 ½ months. Even her hair coming in feels like it is the beginning of some things new. So we are slowly learning to live between heartbreak and hope. Heartbreak because Kate is our daughter, our daughter we would readily give our lives for. And yet we can't take this from her, or take it for her. We must watch her endure things that we can’t rescue her from, merely walk through with her. And so we are relearning our role as her parents. Not simply to rescue her and protect her from everything (as much as we would like to) but to guide her, teach her and love her endlessly through things. Part of the joy and struggle of being a mother, of being a parent.

I don't know why God allows cancer. Man has historically been desperate to determine the why behind suffering. Something the Bible does is put suffering in a global context. In Romans 8:18-25 the apostle Paul addresses the questions of if I'm going to suffer what is the meaning of my suffering in this moment? Stepping back to the much bigger question of why is there suffering in our world?
Paul says if we embrace Jesus as our treasure in this life we will inherit the same thing Jesus inherits. Provided we suffer with Him we will be glorified with Him. The pathway to glory is suffering (v. 17) and verses 18-25 promises us that its worth it. Paul puts suffering in a global context and it is SO crucial that we have a head and a heart that can embrace this teaching because we will bail on Christianity in the moment of suffering if we don't.
No one suffers more than the disciples. Paul? Lifetime of suffering. Jesus? Lifetime of suffering.
But one day...creation itself will be set free!

Lucky are the unlucky

Up until a few years ago, people with physical and mental disabilities used to make me really uncomfortable. My family can attest to this. Whenever anyone with a disability would walk into a restaurant I would immediately lose my appetite. All I could see was the brokenness on the outside.
The Sermon on the Mount where Jesus preaches on the Beatitudes teach this truth: lucky are the unlucky. The Beatitudes go against everything we pursue and believe in- blessed are the strong, blessed are the wealthy, blessed are the powerful, blessed are the liberators, blessed are the triumphant. But in the Sermon on the Mount Jesus says if an enemy soldier slaps you, turn the other cheek. Rejoice in persecution. Be grateful for your poverty. Essentially Jesus says "How lucky are the unlucky!" In the Beatitudes, Jesus promises that these rewards lay somewhere in future but the more I learn the more I realize that the Beatitudes describe the present as well as the future. Philip Yancey says in his book The Jesus I Never Knew that he does not view the Beatitudes as patronizing slogans, but as profound insights into the mystery of human existence. "God's kingdom turns the tables upside down. The poor, the hungry, the mourners, and oppressed truly are blessed. Not because of their miserable states of course- rather, they are blessed because of an innate advantage they hold over those that are self-sufficient." (Pg. 116).
Henri Nouwen, a priest who used to teach at Harvard University, moved to a community called Daybreak near Toronto at the height of his career in order to take on the demanding chores required by his friendship with a man named Adam. Adam is a 25-year-old man who can't speak, cannot dress himself, cannot walk or eat without help. He does not cry or laugh. His back is distorted, his arms and leg movements are twisted and he suffers from severe epilepsy. Nouwen writes, "It takes me about an hour and a half to wake Adam up, give him his medication, carry him into his bath, wash him, shave him, clean his teeth, dress him, walk him to the kitchen give him his breakfast, put him in his wheelchair and bring him to the place where he spends most of his day with therapeutic exercises."
Philip Yancey writes about a time where he went to visit Nouwen in Toronto and had doubts about whether this was the best use of this man's time...he thought couldn't someone else take care of Adam because Nouwen has much to offer the world. When Yancey voiced this to Nouwen himself, he informed him that he had completely misinterpreted what was going on. "I am not giving up anything," he insisted. "It is I, not Adam, who gets the main benefit from our friendship. Adam has taught me that what makes us human is not our mind but our heart. Not our ability to think but our ability to love." From Adam's simple nature, he had glimpsed the "emptiness" necessary before one can be filled by God. Nouwen said he was enjoying a new kind of peace, acquired not within the walls of Harvard but by the bedside of Adam.
At the Reality King's and Queen's Dance on Saturday night I saw what Jesus meant by the Sermon on the Mount. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God. In the Great Reversal of God's kingdom, prosperous saints are very rare. It's not that the poor are more virtuous than anyone else, but they are less likely to pretend to be virtuous. They are more naturally dependent, because they have no choice; they must depend on others simply to survive. In summary, through no choice of their own these people find themselves in a posture that befits the grace of God. In their state of neediness and dependence they welcome God's free gift of love. Their security rests not in things but on people.

Ruthless Trust

Right now I'm reading Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning (same author who wrote Raggamuffin Gospel) and its been awesome! I loved Raggamuffin Gospel but I might like this book even more. Here are two excerpts that I really like:

When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to work for three months at the "house of the dying" in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer as to how to best spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. She asked, "What can I do for you?" Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him. "What do you want me to pray for?" He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States: "Pray that I will have clarity." She said firmly, "No, I will not do that." When he asked her why, she said, "Clarity is the last thing that you are clinging to and must let go of." When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, "I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God."

"Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father's active goodness and unrestricted love."

This book has been really convicting to me because so often I find myself praying for clarity or understanding in a situation. And when I think God has answered my prayer what I mean is that He has answered it according to my own desire. I know that sometimes I can't see how the thing granted is at all what I desire. And yet it is. For, after all, what the deepest part of me truly desires is not my will, but the will of the Father. It is not clarity that I need, it is trust. The challenge to actually trust God forces me to deconstruct what I have spent my life constructing, to stop clutching whatever it is I am so afraid of losing. Jim Cymbala says this in Fresh Faith, "The great battle of our spiritual lives is 'Will you believe?' It is not 'Will you try harder?' or 'Can you make yourself worthy?' It is squarely a matter of believing that God will do what only He can do...He's looking for faith so strong that it will anchor on His Word and wait for Him, the One who makes everything beautiful in its time."

I read stories in the Old Testament and marvel at Israel's terrible infidelity and direct disobedience to God. I see how quickly Israel runs to idols and think I would never bow down and worship a golden statue. Yet I do. Every single day. I worship convenience and comfort. I bow down to ease. I make an idol out of God's blessings. Yet the crazy thing that still blows my mind every day is that He still loves me! How amazing is this- God loves me KNOWING my future. This idea is hard to grasp until we personalize it. Would I love anyone with such fervor and unrestrained selflessness if I knew that person would betray me in just a few short days, months, or years? How could I love somebody if I know that love will be taken for granted, forgotten, rejected, and even scorned? Would I marry a man if I absolutely knew all his flaws, if I knew that he would live adulterously, that he would divorce me and marry another, that he wasn't completely committed and wouldn't love me in return? Yet, here God is, loving us DESPITE our future. His love is so deep it really is incomprehensible. How could you not want to know a God like that?!

"you will know the truth...and the truth will set you free!"

"Have you never heard?
     Have you never understood?
The LORD is the everlasting God,
     the Creator of all the earth.
He never grows weak or weary.
     No one can measure the depths of His understanding.
He gives power to the weak
     and strength to the powerless.
Even youths will become weak and tired,
     and young men will fall in exhaustion.
But those who trust in the LORD will find new strength.
     They will soar high on wings like eagles.
They will run and not grow weary.
     They will walk and not faint."
Isaiah 40: 28-31

Learning to rest in this verse.

should we really follow our heart?

So often we hear the phrase "follow your heart." It's a popular song lyric, a popular storyline in romantic movies, and a popular way people make decisions.
Proverbs 4:23 says "Above ALL else guard your heart- for it is the wellspring of life!"
In our heart lies the very center of everything we are, of who we are. The heart carries so much power over me, so much that I'm not even aware of its power at times until it's too late.
When I sit back and examine my heart it can look outrageous at times. I tend to base my decisions off what I'm feeling in the moment and it doesn't always look pretty...in fact most of the time it looks pretty bad.
Contrary to what I think, I am the WORST architect for my heart because I desire the very things that lead to my own destruction. I tend to want things I shouldn't want because my heart never knows what is best for me. I cannot trust my heart.
The Lord even warns us of our deceitful hearts in Jeremiah 17:9 "The heart is deceitful above all things and beyond cure. Who can understand it?"

In the spring we see beautiful flowers blooming all around us, a constant reminder of new life! This analogy reminds me of my need for a new heart, a heart that desires Him. The kind of heart David pleads for in Psalm 51. I am tired of hearing the line "follow your heart" because the heart can't be trusted. My heart will naturally chase after my own selfish ambitions and desire for instant gratification because it is irreversibly corrupted by sin. "Create me in a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast spirit within me...Restore to me the joy of Your Salvation and grant me a willing spirit to sustain me." (Psalm 51:10 & 12)

"Almighty God, You have made us for yourself, and our hearts are restless till they find their rest in You." St. Augustine

Oh how He loves!

The song called "How He Loves Us" has become one of my all time favorites. The story behind this song is also really powerful.
One night during a prayer meeting a youth pastor named Steven was praying and said, "Lord, I would give my life today if it would shake the youth of this nation."
Later that night, Steven died in a car accident. John Mark McMillian (one of Steven's best friends) soon after Steven's death became a youth pastor. Nearly three years had gone by since Steven's death, and nothing (that John could see) was happening. He was angry and confused that God would take his friend and then seemingly do nothing. John Mark said he felt like people had forgotten about Steven.
Funny how God works…little did John Mark know that the Lord was going to use Steven's death to inspire him to write this song that literally gets played all over the world.
Now EVERYWHERE John Mark or whoever else plays this song, said they get thousands of emails and messages from kids and adults alike saying that this song has changed their lives...that they were SET FREE and DELIVERED and SAVED by the power of God!
I literally get chill bumps every time I hear this song...Oh how He loves!

(In this video, Kim Walker (whose voice I love) is singing the song John Mark wrote. I prefer her version over the original just because I love her voice so much!)

Life is either a daring adventure or it is nothing

Life is exciting, and challenging, and full of adventure. But it seems like my heart always longs for more. I always just think I can go deeper, there's something else great and more wonderful that I've met to find. Then I remember it's not that I haven't found it, it's what I won't find it this side of heaven. We get to experience a taste of what is to come, God gives us a small whiff of fellowship but it won't be complete here. This feeling reminds me of what C.S. Lewis talks about in "Weight of Glory" where we find beauty:
"The books or the music in which we thought the beauty was located will betray us if we trust in them; it was not in them, it only came through them, and what came through them was longing. These things- the beauty, the memory of our own past- are good images of what we really desire; but if they are mistaken for the thing itself; they turn into dumb idols, breaking the hearts of their worshipers. For they are not the thing itself; they are only the scent of a flower we have not yet found, the echo of the tune we have not yet heard, news from a country we have never yet visited."

Another Lewis quote from Mere Christianity: "Creatures are not born with desire unless satisfaction for those desires exist. A baby feels hunger: well, there is such a thing as food. A duckling wants to swim: well, there is such a thing as water. Men feel sexual desire: well, there is such a thing as sex. If I find in myself a desire which no experience in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that I was made for another world. If none of my earthly pleasures satisfy it, that does not prove that the universe is a fraud. Probably earthly pleasures were never meant to satisfy it, but only to arouse it, to suggest the real thing."

We were made for that home, we will be complete and unified forever. It's hard for me to comprehend how big the world is and traveling overseas always sends a burst of liberation up my spine and through my spirit. This sense of freedom is in full force when I give up and realize I'm not in control, that this planet will continue to spin without me...that there's something more important than the life I live. Though I don't always understand this truth, each day provides experiences that continue to give meaning and beauty to our lives.

“Twenty years from now you will be more disappointed by the things you didn’t do than by the ones you did do. So throw off the bowlines, sail away from the safe harbor. Catch the trade winds in your sails. Explore. Dream. Discover.” (Mark Twain)

"My grace is sufficient for you, for My power is perfected in weakness." 2 Cor. 12:9

This is from the daily email I get from Charles Spurgeon:

My grace is sufficient for thee.--2 Corinthians 12:9

If none of God's saints were poor and tried, we should not know half so well the consolations of divine grace. When we find the wanderer who has not where to lay his head, who yet can say, "Still will I trust in the or, when we see the pauper starving on bread and water, who still glories in Jesus; when we see the bereaved widow overwhelmed in affliction, and yet having faith in Christ, oh! what honor it reflects on the gospel. God's grace is illustrated and magnified in the poverty and trials of believers. Saints bear up under every discouragement, believing that all things work together for their good, and that out of apparent evils a real blessing shall ultimately spring--that their God will either work a deliverance for them speedily, or most assuredly support them in the trouble, as long as He is pleased to keep them in it. This patience of the saints proves the power of divine grace. There is a lighthouse out at sea: it is a calm night--I cannot tell whether the edifice is firm; the tempest must rage about it, and then I shall know whether it will stand. So with the Spirit's work: if it were not on many occasions surrounded with tempestuous waters, we should not know that it was true and strong; if the winds did not blow upon it, we should not know how firm and secure it was. The master-works of God are those men who stand in the midst of difficulties, steadfast,unmoveable,--

"Calm mid the bewildering cry, Confident of victory."

He who would glorify his God must set his account upon meeting with many trials. No man can be illustrious before the Lord unless his conflicts be many. If then, yours be a much-tried path, rejoice in it, because you will the better show forth the all-sufficient grace of God. As for His failing you, never dream of it--hate the thought. The God who has been sufficient until now, should be trusted to the end.

Amen. My heart couldn't have expressed it any better. Something I've seen in women is we have this weakness of feeling like we're either "too much" or "not enough." Our tendency is to run on either extreme of feeling too complicated or not accomplished. Jesus talks a lot about sufficiency. "Daughter, My grace is sufficient for You. You will be made rich in every way so you can be generous on every occasion." By His grace I am sufficient. Paul found the key to God's power being manifested in his life. He didn't rely on his own strength, wisdom, or understanding. One of the things I struggle with the most is self-sufficiency. John Piper writes, "Pride, or self-exaltation, or self-reliance is the one virus that causes all the moral diseases of the world. This has been the case ever since Adam and Eve ate of the tree of the knowledge of good and evil because they wanted to be God instead of trust God. And it will be true until the final outburst of human pride is crushed at the battle of Armageddon. There is only one basic moral issue: how to overcome the relentless urge of the human heart to assert itself against the authority and grace of God."

"If you return to the Almighty, you will be built up; You will remove iniquity far from your tents. Then you will lay your gold in the dust, And the gold of Ophir among the stones of the brooks. Yes, the Almighty will be your gold And your precious silver; For then you will have your delight in the Almighty, And lift up your face to God. You will make your prayer to Him, He will hear you, And you will pay your vows. You will also declare a thing, And it will be established for you; So light will shine on your ways. When they cast you down, and you say, 'Exaltation will come!'" Job 22:23-29

sad reality

Read this fact the other day and it literally made me want to throw up:

The cost of the halftime commercials during the Super Bowl could feed the world's entire refugee population...TWICE.

Pathetic and sad. It must break God's heart to see the way His creation has chosen to live.

During our Young Life weekend retreat at Windy Gap the speaker played a short clip of a Tom Brady interview. This guy has reached the pinnacle of success. He is a 3-time Super Bowl champion quarterback of the New England Patriots and already a sports legend. He has won the Super Bowl MVP twice and been named to the to the Pro Bowl 5 times. He has dated actresses and supermodels and makes millions of dollars a year. According to our world's standards...Tom Brady has it all. That is why America was fascinated and intrigued by his statements during an interview with Steve Kroft on 60 minutes:

"Why do I have three Super Bowl rings and still think there's something great out there for me? I mean, maybe a lot of people would say, 'Hey man, this is what it is.' I reached my goal, my dream, my life. Me, I think,'God, it's got to be more than this.' I mean this isn't, this can't be what it's all cracked up to be."

When Kroft said him, "What's the answer?" Brady responded, "I wish I knew. I wish I knew. I love playing football and I love being quarterback for this team. But at the same time, I think there are a lot of other parts about me that I'm trying to find."

Most people would KILL to be Tom Brady. Very few people have experienced all the happiness that the pinnacle of success can offer. They think if I just had his life then I would be happy because what more could you possibly want?
Tom Brady has discovered such happiness is fleeting.
Pascal puts it well: "All men seek happiness. This is without exception. Whatever different means they employ, they all tend to this end. The cause of some going to war, and of others avoiding it, is the same desire in both, attended with different views. The will never takes the least step but to this object. This is the motive of every action of every man, even of those who hang themselves."

I wish I could tell Tom Brady the good news...that there is MORE! This desire for something greater is inevitable because "God has put eternity into man's heart" (Ecclesiastes 3:11). Tom Brady you were made to know God.

Don't believe the lies that success brings happiness. I have to fight that battle everyday because I know a lot of times I fall into that trap. Until we know Jesus our hearts will never be satisfied...no matter how many Super Bowls you win. As Augustine said, "You (God) made us for yourself, and our hearts find no peace til they find rest in You."

This prayer is from the Valley of Vision- a book of puritan prayers:

O God of grace,
Thou hast imputed my sin to my substitute, and hast imputed His righteousness to my soul, clothing me with a bridegroom’s robe, decking me with jewels of holiness.
But in my Christian walk I am still in rags; my best prayers are stained with sin; my penitential tears are so much impurity; my confessions of wrong are so many aggravations of sin; my receiving the Spirit is tinctured with selfishness.
I need to repent of my repentance; I need my tears to be washed; I have no robe to bring to cover my sins, no loom to weave my own righteousness; I am always standing clothed in filthy garments, and by grace am always receiving change of raiment, for Thou dost always justify the ungodly.
I am always going into the far country, and always returning home as a prodigal, always saying, Father, forgive me, and Thou art always bringing forth the best robe.
Every morning let me wear it, every evening return in it, go out to the day’s work in it, be married in it, be wound in death in it, stand before the great white throne in it, enter heaven in it shining as the sun.
Grant me never to lose sight of the exceeding sinfulness of sin, the exceeding righteousness of salvation, the exceeding glory of Christ, the exceeding beauty of holiness, the exceeding wonder of grace.

Francis Chan on Taking Risks

I love this video from Fancis Chan about how we seek safety instead of taking risks.


This message is so true. Often times I find myself pursuing security instead of the ultimate Protector. A big prayer in my life is that I would stop hugging the beam and get out there! That I would not let the fear of failure paralyze me. I heard someone say recently that we should dream and live life in such a way that is destined to fail without divine intervention. That kind of faith isn't afraid of failure.

"If God is for us, who can be against us?" Romans 8:28

Young Life

I took some Cedar Ridge High School girls to Windy Gap this past weekend and as I'm sitting here typing this I can't help but think how special Young Life camps are. Emma, a girl on my young life team said it well, "There's just something about Windy Gap...you walk away completely exhausted yet completely refreshed." Young Life has sets up camps in a way that the daily distractions of high school kids are pushed aside in order to show them what real life is about. It's not Windy Gap's beauty, (although Windy Gap is beautiful) its far deeper then beauty. Many places and things are beautiful to the eye but you walk away unchanged because beauty in and of itself is shallow. The peacefulness and serenity found at Young Life camps is something you can't put into words, I am convinced it is holy ground.
If I knew beforehand the things I would have to sacrifice as a young life leader I probably would not have signed up for such an adventure. However, I can honestly say NOTHING in college has been sweeter and more worth it.
God has taught me more then I could ever put into words, but probably the biggest thing I am continuing to learn and discover is that even in my walk with the Lord I am still in rags; my best prayers are still stained with sin; my receiving of the Spirit is colored with selfishness; and my ability to lead apart from God's grace will fail. I'm incredibly prideful. I'm in the process of learning again that I am pretty mediocre at everything. I, in and of myself, really have nothing to offer the world and whatever few things I claim to be "good" at, my faults multiply all the more. Not only is the Lord teaching me about Him but also who I am along the way. In leading Young Life, I'm beginning to see how small I am in comparison to the Lord, and I have never felt so insignificant and humbled. Despite what I may think, God doesn't need me. God would move, change, and work in crazy, incredible ways without me and anything that I bring to the table someone else could too. He doesn't need me but He wants me. He wants my meager "talents" and "gifts". When I finally came to this realization all the pressure to be the "best leader" I can be was lifted off my shoulders and I am now able to see that Jesus is...Jesus does...Jesus works. Jesus, Jesus, Jesus...NOT Mary Norris.
We spend so much time trying to fill our lives with things that we hope will bring us fulfillment. I have truly tasted and experienced full and abundant life. God has used Young Life to show me His face through so many people (going all the way back to when I did work crew summer of 06). I have made so many friends within the Young Life circle (in both high school and college) and I have felt and seen the love of God immensely. It's been so much fun to live this journey with people who are passionate about sharing the good news of Jesus Christ. What a privilege and blessing it is to be able to love on high school girls and walk through life with them. I've found there is nothing more exciting to share than the truth of God's loving embrace upon one's life. It really is true that the times in my life I have experienced the greatest joy is when I gave it away.
I have so many questions about what the future might hold but something excites me in these questions of uncertainty. Something invites me to loosen my tight grip on the life I call my own and instead gives me an image of what it means to give it away.

"The fundamental building blocks of the kingdom are relationships. Not programs, systems, or productivity but inconvenient, time-consuming, intrusive relationships. The kingdom is built on personal involvement that disrupt schedules, and drain energy. When I enter into redemptive relationships with others, I lose much of my "capacity to produce desired results with a minimum expenditure of energy, time, money, or materials" In short, relationships sabotage my efficiency. A part of me dies. Is this perhaps what our Lord meant when He said we must lay down our lives for each other?"
-Theirs is the Kingdom by Robert D. Lupton

I say...God says

You say: 'It's impossible'
God says: All things are possible
(Luke 18:27)

You say: 'I'm too tired'
God says: I will give you rest
(Matthew 11:28-30)

You say: 'Nobody really loves me'
God says: I love you
(John 3:1 6 & John 3:34 )

You say: 'I can't go on'
God says: My grace is sufficient
(II Corinthians 12:9 & Psalm 91:15)

You say: 'I can't figure things out'
God says: I will direct your steps
(Proverbs 3:5- 6)

You say: 'I can't do it'
God says: Through ME you can do all things
( Philippians 4:13)

You say: 'I'm not able'
God says: I am able
(II Corinthians 9:8)

You say: 'It's not worth it'
God says: It will be worth it
(Roman 8:28 )

You say: 'I can't forgive myself'
God says: I Forgive you
(I John 1:9 & Romans 8:1)

You say: 'I can't manage'
God says: I will supply all your needs
( Philippians 4:19)

You say: 'I'm afraid'
God says: I have not given you a spirit of fear
(II Timothy 1:7)

You say: 'I'm always worried and frustrated'
God says: Cast all your cares on ME
(I Peter 5:7)

You say: 'I'm not smart enough'
God says: I give you wisdom
(I Corinthians 1:30)

You say: 'I feel all alone'
God says: I will never leave you nor forsake you
(Hebrews 13:5)

Reflections on Haiti

What happened in Haiti was and is devastating. So why does God allow this kind of destruction if He loves us? Especially in a country where 80% of its people were already living in poverty?
If Jesus has the power to calm the storm, "Who is this? Even the winds and the sea obey Him." (Mark 4:41), as well as the power to control all the elements then why does He allow things like tsunami's, earthquakes, and hurricanes to happen?
The tsunami tragedy in Asia, Hurricane Katrina in 2005, and now 7 days ago the earthquake in Haiti has many people questioning God's goodness. Adam Donyes, the K-2 men's assistant director, covers these issues really well in his blog so I'm gonna share what he had to say:

The Word states that Christ holds all of nature together (Col. 1:16-17). Could God prevent natural disasters? Absolutely! Does God sometimes influence the weather? Yes, as we see in Deuteronomy 11:17 and James 5:17. Numbers 16:30-34 shows us that God sometimes causes natural disasters as a judgment against sin. The book of Revelation describes many events which could definitely be described as natural disasters (Revelation chapters 6, 8, and 16).

Is every natural disaster a punishment from God? Absolutely not. And we should never, ever, ever, presume whether or not we know that a natural disaster is God's judgment. Since God identified Job as the most righteous of men (see Job 1:1, 8; 2:3), the book of Job forever refutes the notion that every tragedy that befalls people is a judgment on their sin. While no one is sinless, and bad things do happen to morally perfect people (because there are no morally perfect people), they can and sometimes do happen to the best people. God is free in our lives, as He was in Job's, to permit personal or natural disasters for His own sovereign purposes without ever being an evildoer.

In much the same way that God allows evil people to commit evil acts, God allows the earth to reflect the consequences sin has had on creation. (Romans 8:19-21) tells us, “The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.” The fall of humanity into sin had effects on everything, including the world we inhabit. Everything in creation is subject to “frustration” and “decay.” Sin is the ultimate cause of natural disasters just as it is the cause of death, disease, and suffering.

The Bible helps us understand why natural disasters take place. It does not tell us why God allows them to occur, so we should never assume that we know why He does! Why did God allow the earthquake in Haiti to kill over 100,000 people? I don't know, none of us do. But I do know such events cause us to contemplate eternity and what occurs after death! Regardless of disaster God is still good. Tragedy doesn't change His goodness, perhaps if we look close enough it actually illuminates even more. The opportunities we possess as the body of Christ to show His hand in the midst of suffering, in the midst of loss, and in the midst of confusion is at its greatest in the midst of natural disasters. We have that opportunity to show His hand now! People in Haiti are re-evaluating what is valuable to them, they are contemplating the meaning of life. They are questioning who or what can be powerful enough to do this. God can, and does, bring great good out of terrible tragedies- Romans 8:28.

A Sweet and Bitter Providence

John Piper is another one of my favorite authors. This man literally makes satan tremble. Here is the promo for his new book, A Sweet and Bitter Providence: Sex, Race, and the Sovereignty of God.


A verse I continually cling to is Romans 8:28: "And we know that in ALL things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose."
Did you catch that? in ALL things.
A couple days ago I listened to one of Piper's sermons via podcast titled subjected in hope. Piper poses a few key question: how does the apostle Paul help me suffer well by putting it in a global and universal context? If I'm going to suffer what is the meaning of my suffering in this moment? Stepping back to the much bigger question of why is there suffering in this world?
Some awesome stuff and weighty questions so I highly recommend listening. My favorite thing Piper says is in reference to Romans 8:18 "for I consider the suffering of this present time not worthy to be compared to the glory that will be revealed to us."
God promises us that after this time of futility we will see an all-satisfying beauty- an all beautiful, overwhelming, and powerful greatness. Why do human beings all over the world want to see and experience greatness? We want to go see big majestic mountains or breathtaking grand canyons. Why do we do that? There is something in us that wants bigness and greatness...that wants to see it and get drawn into it...and the meaning of that is God!
This is God's form written, this longing and aching for greatness was made for Him! We want to be surrounded by something great without being destroyed or crushed by it. Well that's the image of God in us that IS COMING in a way that will absolutely blow us away...
...I can hardly wait!

Unanswered Prayers

We pray for protection. We pray for good health. We pray for healing for those who are sick. We pray for things to turn out well in the end. And sometimes they do. Sometimes the Lord heals but other times He chooses not to. It's not because He lacks the power, mercy, or means to do so, it's because He has a different plan. A bigger, better, and eternal plan.
I love the verse 2 Corinthians 1:20 that says "For all the promises of God find their yes in Him. That is why it is through Him that we utter our Amen to God for His glory." My soul utters Amen (a "let it be") to Him for His glory in all things. There is a place I can put my hope in that is never deferred. Though I may not get what I think I want or need, instead I get Him! He is a hope that is never deferred.
Unanswered prayers are ultimately for His glory and our good. Doesn't make it any less painful in the moment, but we cling to the One who uses everything good-and everything seemingly bad- to point us to a greater glory...His.

I began praying for precious little Kate McRae the moment I heard her story. Since July, Kate has been battling cancer and just completed her third round of chemo. Kate's parents, as well as millions of people across the country, have diligently been praying for months that God would completely heal Kate this side of heaven. Kate had an MRI a couple days ago to see if the tumor was responding to the treatment and to figure out what the next step in this journey should be.

The results were not what everyone had been praying and hoping for. The MRI revealed that there was still residual tumor in Kate's brain. The positive news is the tumor has shrunk and there is most likely no new growth. The negative being there is still a decent amount of tumor left and the neurosurgeon said his initial instinct is that he would not operate. That isn't his final decision but Kate continues to have a long and arduous battle before her.

One other positive is Kate was able to go home for a few days and resume some semblance of a childhood. Here is an excerpt from a journal entry written by Kate's mom last night:
Tonight it broke my heart as Aaron was praying with the girls and I was with Will. He asked me if Kate had had her picture to see if the tumor was all gone. I told him yes she had. And there was still some there. He started crying and said "mom, why? I keep praying that it would be all gone when they looked! Why didn't God answer my prayer?"
My heart broke knowing that our children at such tender ages were having to learn such hard lessons. Answered and unanswered prayers. Life and death ramifications. We don't know God's plan in all of this. We wish the cancer part of this plan was done. It however is not. So we will continue to pray. Pray that one day Kate will be cancer free here on earth.

Living in the moment

I get a daily meditation email from Henri Nouwen. Here is today's:

Living the Moment to the Fullest
Patience is a hard discipline. It is not just waiting until something happens over which we have no control: the arrival of the bus, the end of the rain, the return of a friend, the resolution of a conflict. Patience is not a waiting passivity until someone else does something. Patience asks us to live the moment to the fullest, to be completely present to the moment, to taste the here and now, to be where we are. When we are impatient we try to get away from where we are. We behave as if the real thing will happen tomorrow, later and somewhere else. Let's be patient and trust that the treasure we look for is hidden in the ground on which we stand.

Love that. I can't keep banking on the future. I can't forget that my plans are not the ones that prevail. My life isn't even my own (Jeremiah 10:23).
I'm not guaranteed tomorrow. I forget that my heart will not beat except by the power of God on my life. If I'm not careful I become so consumed in planning for tomorrow, and all the tomorrows after it that I lose sight of what the Lord has planned for me right now. Right in this moment. It's about Him.

Growing Pains

I recently read this on Lauren Chandler's blog. Lauren is the wife of Matt Chandler, the pastor of the Village Church(posted a video by Matt a couple weeks ago) who was recently diagnosed with an aggressive form of brain cancer.

When I was younger I experienced growing pains in my legs. I remember tossing in bed trying to fall asleep, wrestling with the pain. It hurt.
Things really haven't changed all that much. Growing still hurts. And I still wrestle with it.

"Be patient," says the Lord, "I am growing your roots strong and deep." So strange to feel seemingly conflicting emotions at one time: comfort of knowing the Lord knows and is in control but also a "soul sigh"....a things-are-going-to-sting-for-a-bit-sigh.

He won't let me settle for shallow roots. He knows as soon as a stiff wind blows through the plain that I would be uprooted, lifted from the soil and taken away. He loves me more than that. I don't rejoice in the painful discipline, however, I rejoice in the fruit that painful discipline brings. Obedience leading to joy.
"My child, do not regard lightly the discipline of the Lord, nor be weary when reproved by him. For the Lord disciplines the one He loves, and chastises every son whom He receives." Hebrews 12:5-6

Father, You desire truth in the inmost parts. And, I must truthfully say that this discipline hurts. This growth isn't as joyful in the process. However, I trust You. I believe You are good and that You do good. I believe that You love me and therefore discipline me. You draw my roots further and further down, breaking hardened earth and pushing back dirt lacking proper nutrients. You beckon me deeper to rich, fertile soil that I may be an oak of righteousness, a planting for the display of Your splendor. Lord, sustain me in the growing, in the stretching, in the groaning. You are good and You do good.

Happy New Year/Decade!

What a year and what a decade. This year I have been learning how good and faithful He always is. It is me that changes, and my wavering affections and emotions. God constantly and consistently loves me and shows me His glory and power. He constantly calls me to joyful obedience.
This decade I graduated elementary, middle, and high school and am now a junior in college. Dated boys, made lots of new friends, grew distant from some and close to others, played on multiple sports teams, broke both ankles, moved out of the house I grew up in, laughed far more then I cried, but the biggest and most important changed happened when I learned what it meant to follow Christ. Nothing about this decade has stayed the same. 10 years ago there were no blackberrys, no iphones, no facebook, no twitter. No wifi, no GPS systems. No tivo or blue ray. No red box or crashing economy. But I find great comfort today in knowing 10 years ago God loved and forgave me, today He loves and forgives me, and 10 years from now He will still love and forgive me.
Who knows what the next 10 years have in store? It seems much scarier then these last 10 years because I always knew what was ahead. After elementary came middle school, after middle came high school, and after high school came college. I always knew the step ahead of me and never really had to walk in blind faith.
Honestly, I have no idea what I'm going to do come 2011, but the Lord does. He knows exactly what I'm going to do and who I'm going to do it with. He knows every little detail about my future. I know I can make plans, plans that involve eventually getting married and starting a family but who knows what God has in store. Men plan but the Lord prevails.
He is never late. He never forgets. And He is never wrong. So I am called to trust Him. I'm both excited and nervous because part of me wants to stay. Stay where I know, and where I can clearly see whats next. Change is hard, but change is necessary and is a reminder that the only stability in an unknown and unpredictable world is a God who is crazy, madly, and deeply in love with me. Who has redeemed, rescued, and promised hope for the future.
Lord I pray that as I welcome in a new decade, I would find resolve in a love that is unchanging and unconditional. May I rest in Your grace and Sovereignty in my life like never before.