birthdays

So today I turned 22! It was a really good birthday. To be honest, I was somewhat dreading this day because after spending the summer with my boyfriend, Matt, it was time for him to go back to school. I also had this attitude of "nothing is that exciting after you turn 21." Part of me doesn't like that as you grow up you lose that childlike wonder and awe of turning another year older. My 10-year-old brother, Peter, absolutely LOVES his birthday. He starts talking about his birthday months in advance and this past year he prayed that the days before his birthday would go by fast but that his birthday would be slow. As far as he is concerned the world stops and he is THE reason for that day.

The illusion that my birthday stopped everyone in their tracks fell long ago, but as this day is drawing to a close, I feel so celebrated and loved by my family and friends. That is the point of birthdays...to celebrate life and remember God faithfulness. Even though this birthday lacked the fanfare of 21, it was simple, joyful and relaxing. I had a good amount of time this afternoon just to sit down and journal about this past year of life. Tonight I am thankful to be 22, to have graduated college and to have incredible family and friends who love me and point me more towards Jesus.

Birthdays celebrate life so cheers to that!

Restless Pursuit

"Men are in a restless pursuit after satisfaction in earthly things. They will exhaust themselves in the deceitful delights of sin, and, finding them all to be vanity and emptiness, they will become very perplexed and disappointed. But they will continue their fruitless search. Though wearied, they still stagger forward under the influence of spiritual madness, and though there is no result to be reached except that of everlasting disappointment, yet they press forward. They have no forethought for their eternal state; the present hour absorbs them. They turn to another and another of earth’s broken cisterns, hoping to find water where not a drop was ever discovered yet.” Charles Spurgeon

Therefore go...

Am I really graduating college in 2 weeks?! Definitely not ready to say goodbye to this phase of my life. I love Chapel Hill and every single thing about college and would do it all over again if I could. But what has made college so rich is the life-giving friendships I have formed and the community of believers here in at school. Every time I think about leaving this sweet haven and I get really, really sad, I think about what Jesus says to us as believers:

"All authority on heaven and on earth has been given to Me. Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." Matthew 28:18-19

I think about Jesus telling His disciples that they must go...whether or not they feel ready. I am sure that they would all have preferred to remain with Him and with each other in loving community and fellowship. They were terrified of the unknown. But before telling them to go, Jesus says, "ALL authority in heaven and on earth has been given to Me." Without this declaration of Jesus' authority we could never venture out confidently. But He is with us, and He will go before us. In this bittersweet season of life I have been clinging to these promises. I would love to stay in Chapel Hill with all my friends and live in this community, but it is time to go. I feel like I have seen a glimpse of what heaven will be like because of how well I have been loved, encouraged and challenged by my friends as we have walked through this phase of life together. We have bared each others burdens, shared in each others joys, and cried in each others pain. I have been blessed abundantly and I know that the true feast lies ahead, but I am still sad. I know that many tears will still be shed about leaving, the goodbyes are coming, but regardless of how much I will miss Chapel Hill and all my sweet, sweet friends- He is good and He is faithful. And we will share in this community again for He is Risen! No matter where life takes me this side of heaven, I know that the best is ALWAYS still to come.

Rethinking the Beatitudes

I read this on a blog written by a wonderful woman named Margot, who works with Reality Ministries in Durham. She talks about what Jesus might tell us today- a way to distinguish our cultural values from His kingdom ones.

Blessed are those who aren’t fantastically attractive, because they have a treasure that’s found elsewhere.

Blessed are those who are overlooked at a singles bar, for they are actually the chosen ones.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for something other than becoming physically attractive, for they’ll be filled with what really satisfied.

Blessed are those who use their bodies to bless others, for they will be called God’s own.

Blessed are those whose eyes search for the best in others, for they will see God.

Blessed are those who suffer because they’ve made some of these choices, for they’ve got a better reward coming.

Love this. As a woman, I struggle so much with obsessing about the way I look. I spend so much time fixing up the outside- trying to perfect a body that will age, change, and eventually die. I will have nothing to show but wasted hours of time and mental energy. My prayer recently has been that the Lord would take away this obsessive desire for outward beauty, and would help me control my mind- which often can be my greatest enemy. I believe lies- that if I could only look look a certain way I would finally be content. WRONG. It never works that way. I challenge you to find one woman in this world who is completely content with the way she looks. Perfection doesn't exist because we are people who will never be content this side of heaven.

Jesus offers hope. He will empower us to find victory in this area that for so many women distracts and defeats us.

Laminin

He literally holds us together. This video is about 9 minutes long but it's worth watching!

The Great Divorce

"I’m afraid the first step is a hard one,” said the Spirit. “But after that you’ll go on like a house of fire. You will become solid enough for Michael to perceive you when you learn to want someone else besides Michael. I don’t say ‘more than Michael,’ not as a beginning. That will come later. It’s only the little germ of desire for God that we need to start the process.”

“Oh, you mean religion and all that sort of thing? This is hardly the moment…and from you, of all people. Well, never mind. I’ll do whatever’s necessary. What do you want me to do? Come on. The sooner I begin it, the sooner they’ll let me see my boy. I’m quite ready.”

“But, Pam, do think! Don’t you see you are not beginning at all as long as you are in that state of mind? You’re treating God only as a means to Michael. But the whole thickening treatment consists in learning to want God for His own sake.”

“You wouldn’t talk like that if you were a Mother.”

“You mean, if I were only a mother. But there is no such thing as being only a mother. You exist as Michael’s mother only because you first exist as God’s creature. That relation is older and closer. No, listen, Pam! He also loves. He also has suffered. He also has waited a long time.”(The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis)

Even though I am not a mother there is still so much to this that reflects my life. I look at God only as a means to an end...usually the end meaning His blessings and favor in my life on my terms, the way I want. So instead of running the race to get the prize, I toss in a prize just to run the race. Good thing His love isn't based on my performance...He wants us exactly as we are.

"may I be defined by more of Your beauty and less by my brokenness"

Most of the time the approval or rejection from people has more sway over my heart than what Jesus thinks about me. My passion to be right is often more compelling than the good news of being righteous in Christ. Controlling my circumstances claims more of my time and energy than seeking His face.

Read this prayer on a blog titled "Heavenward" and it really spoke to my heart:

"Jesus, liberate me from thinking about the next thing, so I can be present in the current moment and conversation. May people, not projects be my greater concern and joy each day. Help me to make better eye contact and heart connection with those you give me to love. Help me to be less timid around strangers more intrigued with new people I meet.

Help me to use less words and more listening when engaging others. Turn my hair-trigger reactions into slower, wiser responses. Please unshackle me from the illusion of control and my commitment to a pain-free heart. Loving well always involves risk and pain.

Jesus, break even more of the chains of my insecurities. Please unfetter me from thinking too much about what I’m not… by showing me more of you and who I am in you. May I be defined more by your beauty and less by my brokenness."