Hope

"Growing up in church, we were taught that Jesus was the answer to all our problems. We were taught that there was a circle-shaped hole in our heart and that we had tried to fill it with the square peg of sex, drugs, and rock and roll; but only the circle peg of Jesus could fill our hole. I became a Christian based, in part, on this promise, but the hole never really went away. 

To be sure, I like Jesus, and I still follow him, but the idea that Jesus will make everything better is a lie. It’s basically biblical theology translated into the language of infomercials. The truth is, the apostles never really promise Jesus is going to make everything better here on earth. Can you imagine an infomercial with Paul, testifying to the amazing product of Jesus, saying that he once had power and authority, and since he tried Jesus he’s been moved from prison to prison, beaten, and routinely bitten by snakes? I don’t think many people would be buying that product. Peter couldn’t do any better. He was crucified upside down, by some reports. Stephen was stoned outside the city gates. John, supposedly, was boiled in oil. It’s hard to imagine how a religion steeped in so much pain and sacrifice turned into a promise for earthly euphoria. I think Jesus can make things better, but I don’t think he is going to make things perfect. Not here, and not now.

"I rejoiced greatly in the Lord that at last you renewed your concern for me. Indeed, you were concerned, but you had no opportunity to show it. I am not saying this because I am in need, for I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want." Philippians 4:10-12

What I love about the true gospel of Jesus, though, is that it offers hope. Paul has hope our souls will be made complete. It will happen in heaven, where there will be a wedding and a feast. I wonder if that’s why so many happy stories end in weddings and feasts. Paul says Jesus is the hope that will not disappoint. I find that comforting. That helps me get through the day, to be honest. It even makes me content somehow. Maybe that’s what Paul meant when he said he’d learned the secret of contentment.

What has always struck me about this verse in Philippians is that Paul says he learned it. Not that he knew it or Jesus gave it to him out in the desert period, but that he learned it. That doesn’t take the frustration out of the daily lessons I get on this subject, but it does give me peace about the process and that my Teacher knows what He’s talking about whether I get it or not.

There’s a great beauty in the small stories, in lives lived in the humility of the background, just as much as there is in the grand adventures. And truly, what drives the great stories is the depth of the characters they contain, not the deeds the characters perform."

--Donald Miller, A Million Miles in a Thousand Years

birthdays

So today I turned 22! It was a really good birthday. To be honest, I was somewhat dreading this day because after spending the summer with my boyfriend, Matt, it was time for him to go back to school. I also had this attitude of "nothing is that exciting after you turn 21." Part of me doesn't like that as you grow up you lose that childlike wonder and awe of turning another year older. My 10-year-old brother, Peter, absolutely LOVES his birthday. He starts talking about his birthday months in advance and this past year he prayed that the days before his birthday would go by fast but that his birthday would be slow. As far as he is concerned the world stops and he is THE reason for that day.

The illusion that my birthday stopped everyone in their tracks fell long ago, but as this day is drawing to a close, I feel so celebrated and loved by my family and friends. That is the point of birthdays...to celebrate life and remember God faithfulness. Even though this birthday lacked the fanfare of 21, it was simple, joyful and relaxing. I had a good amount of time this afternoon just to sit down and journal about this past year of life. Tonight I am thankful to be 22, to have graduated college and to have incredible family and friends who love me and point me more towards Jesus.

Birthdays celebrate life so cheers to that!

Restless Pursuit

"Men are in a restless pursuit after satisfaction in earthly things. They will exhaust themselves in the deceitful delights of sin, and, finding them all to be vanity and emptiness, they will become very perplexed and disappointed. But they will continue their fruitless search. Though wearied, they still stagger forward under the influence of spiritual madness, and though there is no result to be reached except that of everlasting disappointment, yet they press forward. They have no forethought for their eternal state; the present hour absorbs them. They turn to another and another of earth’s broken cisterns, hoping to find water where not a drop was ever discovered yet.” Charles Spurgeon

Therefore go...

Am I really graduating college in 2 weeks?! Definitely not ready to say goodbye to this phase of my life. I love Chapel Hill and every single thing about college and would do it all over again if I could. But what has made college so rich is the life-giving friendships I have formed and the community of believers here in at school. Every time I think about leaving this sweet haven and I get really, really sad, I think about what Jesus says to us as believers:

"All authority on heaven and on earth has been given to Me. Therefore, go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit." Matthew 28:18-19

I think about Jesus telling His disciples that they must go...whether or not they feel ready. I am sure that they would all have preferred to remain with Him and with each other in loving community and fellowship. They were terrified of the unknown. But before telling them to go, Jesus says, "ALL authority in heaven and on earth has been given to Me." Without this declaration of Jesus' authority we could never venture out confidently. But He is with us, and He will go before us. In this bittersweet season of life I have been clinging to these promises. I would love to stay in Chapel Hill with all my friends and live in this community, but it is time to go. I feel like I have seen a glimpse of what heaven will be like because of how well I have been loved, encouraged and challenged by my friends as we have walked through this phase of life together. We have bared each others burdens, shared in each others joys, and cried in each others pain. I have been blessed abundantly and I know that the true feast lies ahead, but I am still sad. I know that many tears will still be shed about leaving, the goodbyes are coming, but regardless of how much I will miss Chapel Hill and all my sweet, sweet friends- He is good and He is faithful. And we will share in this community again for He is Risen! No matter where life takes me this side of heaven, I know that the best is ALWAYS still to come.

Rethinking the Beatitudes

I read this on a blog written by a wonderful woman named Margot, who works with Reality Ministries in Durham. She talks about what Jesus might tell us today- a way to distinguish our cultural values from His kingdom ones.

Blessed are those who aren’t fantastically attractive, because they have a treasure that’s found elsewhere.

Blessed are those who are overlooked at a singles bar, for they are actually the chosen ones.

Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for something other than becoming physically attractive, for they’ll be filled with what really satisfied.

Blessed are those who use their bodies to bless others, for they will be called God’s own.

Blessed are those whose eyes search for the best in others, for they will see God.

Blessed are those who suffer because they’ve made some of these choices, for they’ve got a better reward coming.

Love this. As a woman, I struggle so much with obsessing about the way I look. I spend so much time fixing up the outside- trying to perfect a body that will age, change, and eventually die. I will have nothing to show but wasted hours of time and mental energy. My prayer recently has been that the Lord would take away this obsessive desire for outward beauty, and would help me control my mind- which often can be my greatest enemy. I believe lies- that if I could only look look a certain way I would finally be content. WRONG. It never works that way. I challenge you to find one woman in this world who is completely content with the way she looks. Perfection doesn't exist because we are people who will never be content this side of heaven.

Jesus offers hope. He will empower us to find victory in this area that for so many women distracts and defeats us.

Laminin

He literally holds us together. This video is about 9 minutes long but it's worth watching!

The Great Divorce

"I’m afraid the first step is a hard one,” said the Spirit. “But after that you’ll go on like a house of fire. You will become solid enough for Michael to perceive you when you learn to want someone else besides Michael. I don’t say ‘more than Michael,’ not as a beginning. That will come later. It’s only the little germ of desire for God that we need to start the process.”

“Oh, you mean religion and all that sort of thing? This is hardly the moment…and from you, of all people. Well, never mind. I’ll do whatever’s necessary. What do you want me to do? Come on. The sooner I begin it, the sooner they’ll let me see my boy. I’m quite ready.”

“But, Pam, do think! Don’t you see you are not beginning at all as long as you are in that state of mind? You’re treating God only as a means to Michael. But the whole thickening treatment consists in learning to want God for His own sake.”

“You wouldn’t talk like that if you were a Mother.”

“You mean, if I were only a mother. But there is no such thing as being only a mother. You exist as Michael’s mother only because you first exist as God’s creature. That relation is older and closer. No, listen, Pam! He also loves. He also has suffered. He also has waited a long time.”(The Great Divorce, C.S. Lewis)

Even though I am not a mother there is still so much to this that reflects my life. I look at God only as a means to an end...usually the end meaning His blessings and favor in my life on my terms, the way I want. So instead of running the race to get the prize, I toss in a prize just to run the race. Good thing His love isn't based on my performance...He wants us exactly as we are.

"may I be defined by more of Your beauty and less by my brokenness"

Most of the time the approval or rejection from people has more sway over my heart than what Jesus thinks about me. My passion to be right is often more compelling than the good news of being righteous in Christ. Controlling my circumstances claims more of my time and energy than seeking His face.

Read this prayer on a blog titled "Heavenward" and it really spoke to my heart:

"Jesus, liberate me from thinking about the next thing, so I can be present in the current moment and conversation. May people, not projects be my greater concern and joy each day. Help me to make better eye contact and heart connection with those you give me to love. Help me to be less timid around strangers more intrigued with new people I meet.

Help me to use less words and more listening when engaging others. Turn my hair-trigger reactions into slower, wiser responses. Please unshackle me from the illusion of control and my commitment to a pain-free heart. Loving well always involves risk and pain.

Jesus, break even more of the chains of my insecurities. Please unfetter me from thinking too much about what I’m not… by showing me more of you and who I am in you. May I be defined more by your beauty and less by my brokenness."

May we love loudly

Below are a few quotes from the book "Jesus for President" by Shaine Claiborne. His views are pretty radical and might offend some people but the man radiates love and seeks to challenge the way we view freedom. Our culture usually describes freedom as "freedom from" but "freedom from" is really no definition of freedom at all. This view of freedom only pushes us farther into external things so we run to what is tangible and what we can hold on to. We run to find our identity and value there...but really it is much to shallow and broken for us.

"Once upon a time there were no kings or presidents. Only God was king. The Bible is the story of a God who is continually rescuing humanity from the messes we make of the world. God is bringing the kingdom of heaven to earth. God is leading humans on an exodus adventure out of the land of emperors and kings and into the Promised Land.”

“Over and over, the people [of Israel] settled for the empty promises of empire over the eternal dreams of God. But God is relentless. God pursued, forgave, wooed them back, as a Lover.”

“So even as we see the horror of death, may we be reminded that in the end, love wins. Mercy triumphs. Life is more powerful than death. And even those who have committed great violence can have the image of God come to life again within them as they hear the whisper of love. May the whisper of love grow louder than the thunder of violence. May we love loudly.”

unbelief

"Lord, I believe. Help me in my unbelief."

This is a prayer I feel like I pray often, if not daily. I'm learning that so much of the things I struggle with are rooted in basic unbelief.

I don't mean that I won't face any trials if I simply believe, because thats not at all what Jesus promises. What I am saying is that my discontent, worry, anxiousness, jealously, and fear is often rooted in basic unbelief.

Unbelief that delight in God is really better. Unbelief that I have been freed from bondage to sin. Unbelief that God really is going to do what He has promised.

The hard part is not believing IN Christ, it is BELIEVING Christ.

"Christians do not say, 'I do not understand you at all, but I trust you anyway.' Rather we say, 'I do not understand you in this situation, but I understand why I trust you anyway. Therefore I can trust that you understand even though I don't.' If we do not know why we trust God in the beginning, then we will always need to know exactly what God is doing in order to trust Him. Failing to grasp that, we may not be able to continue trusting Him, for anything we do not understand may count decisively against what we are able to trust.

If on the other hand, we do know why we trust God, we will be able to trust Him in situations where we do not understand what He is doing...Faith does not know 'why' in terms of the immediate, but it knows why it trusts God in terms of the ultimate." (Be Still My Soul)

"He will do us good, real good, lasting good, only good, every good. He will make us good, and this is to do us good to the highest degree" insists Charles Spurgeon.

God's priority is to make us good-which is our best good.

The proof of His goodness is at the cross. The guarantee of His goodness in the resurrection.

I believe; God, help me overcome my unbelief. I believe; Jesus help me live like I believe for I know my Redeemer lives.

Far too easily pleased...

songs in the night!

Any fool can sing in the day. When the cup is full, man draws inspiration from it; when wealth rolls in abundance around him, any man can sing to the praise of a God who gives a plenteous harvest. It is easy to sing when we can read the notes by daylight; but the skillful singer is he who can sing when there is not a ray of light by read by- who sings from his heart, and not from a book that he can see, because he has no means of reading, save from that inward book of his own living spirit, whence notes of gratitude pour out in songs of praise. No man can make a song in the night himself. The Christian gets his songs from God: God gives him inspiration, and teaches him how to sing: "God my Maker, who giveth songs in the night."

So, then, poor Christian, thou needest not to go pumping up thy poor heart to make it glad. Go to thy Maker and ask Him to give thee a song in the night. Thou art a poor dry well: thou hast heard it said, that when a pump is dry, you must pour water down it first of all, and then you will get some up; and so, Christian, when thou art dry, go to God, ask Him to pour some joy down thee, and then thou wilt get some joy up from thine own heart. Do not go to this comforter or that, for you will find them Job's comforters, after all; but go thou first and foremost to thy Maker, for he is the great composer of songs and teacher of music; he it is who can teach thee how to sing: "God, my Maker, who giveth me songs in the night!"

It is not natural to sing in trouble- "Bless the Lord, O my soul, and all that is within me bless his holy name:" for that is a daylight song. But it was a divine song which Habakkuk sang, when in the night he said- "Though the fig-tree shall not blossom…yet will I trust in the Lord."
Songs in the night come only from God; they are not in the power of man because usually in the night of a Christian's experience God is his only song.

(Charles Spurgeon, Song in the Night pg. 171)

walking on water

As summer draws to a close it is a crazy feeling knowing that this might be my last (gulp) "real" summer. I start my senior year of college in exactly 22 days. I know people always say time flies but I feel like college has given that saying a whole new meaning. I feel like this is a time of my life I wish I could just freeze because I have the best group of friends and community in Chapel Hill. I feel so unbelievably blessed with friends who love Jesus and each other so well.
What am I going to be doing after college you ask? I don't know, but He does. I obsess about the future because I get anxious, and anxiety is simply living out the future before it gets here. The most important things in life center around WHO we are, not where we are.

I have to plan but I also have to remember that men plan but ultimately it's the Lord's purposes that prevails. His, not mine. He will place me exactly where He wants me so I can rest and experience peace in the face of life-changing decisions. It might not be exactly what I had in mind, but as long as I am seeking Him I can be confident that He's already determined how to fit my choices into His sovereign will.
God's teaching me to become more comfortable in the unknown, knowing that for the Lord, there is no such thing as unknown. What a mighty God we serve!

"We must renounce our sinful desires to know the future and to be in control. We are not gods. We walk by faith, not by sight. We risk because God does not risk. We walk into the future in God-glorifying confidence, not because the future is known to us but because it is known to God. And that's all we need to know. Worry about the future is not simply a character tic, it is the sin of unbelief, an indication that our hearts are not resting in the promises of God...So the end of the matter is this: Live for God. Obey the Scriptures. Think of others before yourself. Love Jesus. And as you do these things, do whatever else you like, with whomever you like, wherever you like, and you'll be walking in the will of God." Kevin DeYoung

we are beggers, this is true

Anxiety robs me of my peace. It comes from forgetting that I am not in control. The moments when I have been most deeply in touch with God are those moments when I have been able to embrace my utter poverty. When I accept my poverty, my total dependence on God, I become vulnerable and God can more easily reach me because I’m not busy resisting being reached. When I am not resisting my poverty, I can more easily experience God in other people also, for I am more willing to allow them to minister to me. I am able to sit at their feet.
Until we learn to sit at one another’s feet, we will starve at our lavish banquet tables. (Macrina Wiederkehr)

I will sprinkle clean water on you, and you will be clean. I will cleanse you from all your impurities and from all your idols. I will give you a new heart and put a new spirit in you. I will remove from you your heart of stone, and give you a heart of flesh...this land that was laid to waste has become like the garden of Eden...I the Lord have rebuilt what was destroyed and have replanted what was desolate. I the Lord have spoken, and I will do it. Ezekiel 36:25-26

Shake off your dust, rise up, sit enthroned, O Jerusalem. Free yourself from the chains on your neck, O captive daughter of Zion. Isaiah 52:2

"Sooner or later you figure out life is constructed specifically and brilliantly to squeeze a man into association with the Owner of heaven. It is a struggle, with labor pains and thorny landscape, bloody hands and a sweaty brow, head in hands, moments of severe loneliness and questioning, moments of ache and desire. All this leads to God.[...] Life is a dance toward God, I begin to think. And the dance is not so graceful as we might want. While we glide and swing our practiced sway, God crowds our feet, bumps our toes, and scuffs our shoes. So we learn to dance with the One who made us. And it is a difficult dance to learn because its steps are foreign." (Donald Miller- Through Painted Deserts)

God is in the business of relentlessly pursuing rebels like me and He comes after me not to angrily strip away my freedom but to affectionately strip away my slavery so I might become truly free.

Overcoming barriers

In order to be people who are "full of grace," we must take great care to eliminate all barriers that stand between the real Jesus and people's false impressions of Him.

Ghandi was once asked why he had rejected Christ. His answer was, "It is not Christ I reject, it is your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ."

I ran across an article that a mom wrote about her daughter who works at a local diner. She talked about how Sunday's were notoriously her daughter's lowest tip day by far. The mom wasn't necessarily complaining about her daughter not getting much in tips but was merely pointing out the fact that Christians aren't generous.
I'm speaking equally to myself as I write this, convicted by the fact that I often make the excuse of being a college student as the reason why I am not a generous tipper. This is just one small example but it is these daily decisions and actions that reveal our hearts and reflect who or what it is that we really worship. How often I find myself hoarding "my money" when really money is just a tool and resource God has graciously given me to use for His glory. It isn't really mine but you wouldn't know that looking at the way I chose to spend (or not spend) it. Every decision, every tip, every conversation should be used to make much of Him.

"Be wise in the way you act toward outsiders; make the most of every opportunity. Let your conversation be always full of grace, seasoned with salt, so that you may know how to answer everyone." Colossians 4:4-5

"Cancer is the best thing that ever happened to me" - Zac Smith Story

Zac Smith is now with Jesus. He didn't waste his life and he didn't waste his cancer.
This final line gave me chills, “If God chooses to heal me, then God is God and God is good. If God chooses not to heal me and allows me to die, God is still God and God is still good. To God be the glory.”
What a powerful and incredible testimony to God's faithfulness in the midst of heart-breaking circumstances.

"Fear not, for I am with you; be not dismayed, for I am your God. I will strengthen and uphold you with My righteous hand." Isaiah 41:10

Read this on Holly McRae's blog, the mother of sweet little Kate whose fighting the vicious battle of brain cancer. What an example this woman is of God's goodness and trust in the midst of life's heartbreak and pain. Only a woman whose faith is rooted deep in the gospel and not in circumstance could have a response like this. This kind of faith causes others to wonder where her hope lies- who is it that she trust? There is no God like our God. Who provides comfort, hope, endurance, and perseverance for this life because our hope lies in the One who has conquered death and will one day make all things new again.

One of the things that I would have marked near the top of a list that I would pray we would never encounter, we were now forced to face. But thankfully not alone. I don't know if scripture has ever held greater comfort, if it's truth has ever been more desired by our family than now. We can no longer face tomorrow in simply our own strength. When your child faces cancer of this magnitude it is simply more than you can bear, without Jesus. I know many have told us that God will never give you more than you can handle. I smile and know this is more than I can handle. However, I wonder if it could mean that He will give us what we need to handle that which alone we couldn't.

The day is bittersweet, as most days are now. My heart is continuously grieving what was and learning how to not fear what tomorrow holds. To not imagine what life without our precious Kate would be like. To not be paralyzed by fear. It is difficult beyond words. Never has it been more of a challenge to put truth into practice. But we know that is where our hope lies. Living out the truth we know and believe.
Despite the anguish of some days, each day is also filled with joy. Times of laughter, late night talks, snuggling on the couch, hope and milestones reached. The milestones have changed, but they are milestones none the less. And they are worth celebrating. Kate has made amazing strides over the past 10 ½ months. Even her hair coming in feels like it is the beginning of some things new. So we are slowly learning to live between heartbreak and hope. Heartbreak because Kate is our daughter, our daughter we would readily give our lives for. And yet we can't take this from her, or take it for her. We must watch her endure things that we can’t rescue her from, merely walk through with her. And so we are relearning our role as her parents. Not simply to rescue her and protect her from everything (as much as we would like to) but to guide her, teach her and love her endlessly through things. Part of the joy and struggle of being a mother, of being a parent.

I don't know why God allows cancer. Man has historically been desperate to determine the why behind suffering. Something the Bible does is put suffering in a global context. In Romans 8:18-25 the apostle Paul addresses the questions of if I'm going to suffer what is the meaning of my suffering in this moment? Stepping back to the much bigger question of why is there suffering in our world?
Paul says if we embrace Jesus as our treasure in this life we will inherit the same thing Jesus inherits. Provided we suffer with Him we will be glorified with Him. The pathway to glory is suffering (v. 17) and verses 18-25 promises us that its worth it. Paul puts suffering in a global context and it is SO crucial that we have a head and a heart that can embrace this teaching because we will bail on Christianity in the moment of suffering if we don't.
No one suffers more than the disciples. Paul? Lifetime of suffering. Jesus? Lifetime of suffering.
But one day...creation itself will be set free!

Lucky are the unlucky

Up until a few years ago, people with physical and mental disabilities used to make me really uncomfortable. My family can attest to this. Whenever anyone with a disability would walk into a restaurant I would immediately lose my appetite. All I could see was the brokenness on the outside.
The Sermon on the Mount where Jesus preaches on the Beatitudes teach this truth: lucky are the unlucky. The Beatitudes go against everything we pursue and believe in- blessed are the strong, blessed are the wealthy, blessed are the powerful, blessed are the liberators, blessed are the triumphant. But in the Sermon on the Mount Jesus says if an enemy soldier slaps you, turn the other cheek. Rejoice in persecution. Be grateful for your poverty. Essentially Jesus says "How lucky are the unlucky!" In the Beatitudes, Jesus promises that these rewards lay somewhere in future but the more I learn the more I realize that the Beatitudes describe the present as well as the future. Philip Yancey says in his book The Jesus I Never Knew that he does not view the Beatitudes as patronizing slogans, but as profound insights into the mystery of human existence. "God's kingdom turns the tables upside down. The poor, the hungry, the mourners, and oppressed truly are blessed. Not because of their miserable states of course- rather, they are blessed because of an innate advantage they hold over those that are self-sufficient." (Pg. 116).
Henri Nouwen, a priest who used to teach at Harvard University, moved to a community called Daybreak near Toronto at the height of his career in order to take on the demanding chores required by his friendship with a man named Adam. Adam is a 25-year-old man who can't speak, cannot dress himself, cannot walk or eat without help. He does not cry or laugh. His back is distorted, his arms and leg movements are twisted and he suffers from severe epilepsy. Nouwen writes, "It takes me about an hour and a half to wake Adam up, give him his medication, carry him into his bath, wash him, shave him, clean his teeth, dress him, walk him to the kitchen give him his breakfast, put him in his wheelchair and bring him to the place where he spends most of his day with therapeutic exercises."
Philip Yancey writes about a time where he went to visit Nouwen in Toronto and had doubts about whether this was the best use of this man's time...he thought couldn't someone else take care of Adam because Nouwen has much to offer the world. When Yancey voiced this to Nouwen himself, he informed him that he had completely misinterpreted what was going on. "I am not giving up anything," he insisted. "It is I, not Adam, who gets the main benefit from our friendship. Adam has taught me that what makes us human is not our mind but our heart. Not our ability to think but our ability to love." From Adam's simple nature, he had glimpsed the "emptiness" necessary before one can be filled by God. Nouwen said he was enjoying a new kind of peace, acquired not within the walls of Harvard but by the bedside of Adam.
At the Reality King's and Queen's Dance on Saturday night I saw what Jesus meant by the Sermon on the Mount. Blessed are the merciful, for they will be shown mercy. Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of God. In the Great Reversal of God's kingdom, prosperous saints are very rare. It's not that the poor are more virtuous than anyone else, but they are less likely to pretend to be virtuous. They are more naturally dependent, because they have no choice; they must depend on others simply to survive. In summary, through no choice of their own these people find themselves in a posture that befits the grace of God. In their state of neediness and dependence they welcome God's free gift of love. Their security rests not in things but on people.

Ruthless Trust

Right now I'm reading Ruthless Trust by Brennan Manning (same author who wrote Raggamuffin Gospel) and its been awesome! I loved Raggamuffin Gospel but I might like this book even more. Here are two excerpts that I really like:

When the brilliant ethicist John Kavanaugh went to work for three months at the "house of the dying" in Calcutta, he was seeking a clear answer as to how to best spend the rest of his life. On the first morning there he met Mother Teresa. She asked, "What can I do for you?" Kavanaugh asked her to pray for him. "What do you want me to pray for?" He voiced the request that he had borne thousands of miles from the United States: "Pray that I will have clarity." She said firmly, "No, I will not do that." When he asked her why, she said, "Clarity is the last thing that you are clinging to and must let go of." When Kavanaugh commented that she always seemed to have clarity he longed for, she laughed and said, "I have never had clarity; what I have always had is trust. So I will pray that you trust God."

"Craving clarity, we attempt to eliminate risk of trusting God. Fear of the unknown path stretching ahead of us destroys childlike trust in the Father's active goodness and unrestricted love."

This book has been really convicting to me because so often I find myself praying for clarity or understanding in a situation. And when I think God has answered my prayer what I mean is that He has answered it according to my own desire. I know that sometimes I can't see how the thing granted is at all what I desire. And yet it is. For, after all, what the deepest part of me truly desires is not my will, but the will of the Father. It is not clarity that I need, it is trust. The challenge to actually trust God forces me to deconstruct what I have spent my life constructing, to stop clutching whatever it is I am so afraid of losing. Jim Cymbala says this in Fresh Faith, "The great battle of our spiritual lives is 'Will you believe?' It is not 'Will you try harder?' or 'Can you make yourself worthy?' It is squarely a matter of believing that God will do what only He can do...He's looking for faith so strong that it will anchor on His Word and wait for Him, the One who makes everything beautiful in its time."

I read stories in the Old Testament and marvel at Israel's terrible infidelity and direct disobedience to God. I see how quickly Israel runs to idols and think I would never bow down and worship a golden statue. Yet I do. Every single day. I worship convenience and comfort. I bow down to ease. I make an idol out of God's blessings. Yet the crazy thing that still blows my mind every day is that He still loves me! How amazing is this- God loves me KNOWING my future. This idea is hard to grasp until we personalize it. Would I love anyone with such fervor and unrestrained selflessness if I knew that person would betray me in just a few short days, months, or years? How could I love somebody if I know that love will be taken for granted, forgotten, rejected, and even scorned? Would I marry a man if I absolutely knew all his flaws, if I knew that he would live adulterously, that he would divorce me and marry another, that he wasn't completely committed and wouldn't love me in return? Yet, here God is, loving us DESPITE our future. His love is so deep it really is incomprehensible. How could you not want to know a God like that?!